You Can't Go Back
by x.imagine.x
Summary: Lily's thoughts on her debut while watching Dan and Serena at Cotillion. Implied Lily/Rufus


**A/N: So… I just got my season 1 of Gossip Girl, and I was watching _Hi, Society_, and I got this random idea from the look on Lily's face when she was watching Dan and Serena after Rufus's call.**

**Disclaimer: guess what? I don't own anything… sad as it is…**

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**You Can't Go Back**

"I should have never let… let you let me go…" His voice was barely audible before the click indicating that he had hung up.

I stood in momentary shock before a loud laugh brought me back to reality. I snapped my phone shut and turned, ready to feign a scowl in disdain at any debutante who dared emit such an un-lady-like noise. My anger was erased immediately as Serena came into view, followed by Dan. She was giggling at something, though I wasn't quite sure what. She looked up at me as Dan spun her around, catching my eye. The silent understanding passed between us, and she turned her attention back to her boyfriend. The smile that lit up her face was beautiful, but it stirred something deep inside the pit of my stomach. I watched the scene play out with something close to nostalgia.

"_Lillian Rhoades! You _will_ attend your Debut! What would people think if you didn't?" Mother never lost her temper quite like any time me not attending societal functions was involved. That, or Rufus Humphrey. Let me tell you, it was so much better when they both contributed. _

"_Mother, come on! I don't care what people think…I'm not doing it," I emphasize my defiance with an all too obvious eye-roll._

"_Lillian, I simply do not understand. Why on God's Green Earth would you not want to make your Debut? It's all you could talk about for years, and suddenly, you don't want anything to do with it anymore."_

"_I just don't see the point in it, Mother. What kind of ritual involves walking up a flight of stairs and dancing around like a stuck-up snob? It's stupid."_

"_It is not! It's a rite of passage for a girl like you. Ever since you started dating that- Wait, this doesn't have anything to do with that Humphrey boy, does it?" Her eyes narrowed into slits. It was times like these that Cecilia Rhoades sincerely scared me._

"_No… Alright, well maybe a bit. But it's not like he's the only reason I'm not doing it. If anything, he's only a miniscule part. I'm doing this for me, Mother. I don't want to act the part of a societal wife and mother my whole life! I want to marry for love! I want to have children and a house, not some penthouse apartment! I want to be _me_!"_

"_Fine, don't go. Just know that if you don't show up, I shall be very disappointed in you."_

I felt absolutely no guilt about not coming. I actually felt rather proud of myself for taking my rebellion to new heights such as skipping the Cotillion. It meant that I was making progress; I was severing ties. I felt absolutely no regret for missing the ball, until now.

As I gazed down upon my daughter and her boyfriend, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened the night of my Debut, had I gone. I wondered if that could have been Rufus down there, twirling me around, dipping me, kissing me. I wondered if that would have been me down there, Rufus scooping me up into his strong arms and smiling with his lips pressed against mine as he carried me through the doorway. I wondered if that could have been us down there, instead of our children. I wondered if our relationship would have been stronger, had we done it. Maybe we would have survived longer than we had… Maybe Cece would have backed off, and given me the freedom I so desperately craved. Maybe everything would have changed. Maybe everything now would be different. Maybe I would be a good mother.

"Lillian?"

My mother's voice startles me from my trance, and I turn to look at her somewhat sadly.

"Mother, I think it's time you went home."

She keeps the mask in place, even though I can see right through it. She's crushed. Well, I'm not about to stand by and let her destroy another relationship.

I can't go back, but I can go forward. It's too late for 'could have been's, but it's not too late for Serena.

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**A/N: So, what did you think??**


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